After last week's journal, and after a few things that happened, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about life, the choices we make, and the consequences. There are things that I've known all along but didn't want to face, others that I didn't know, and still others that I thought I knew but had to admit that they've changed. Facing life is hard, and painful...
One of the things that I've known but didn't realize how true is how amazing of a wife I have. I've given her plenty of reasons and opportunities to walk away, and I couldn't have blamed her at all. Yet she stayed and continued to fight me FOR me. This past week has been amazing, though I know she's scared it won't last. But it will. It has to, for many reasons. To do this, I have to fight my way through at least the past 3 years with her, along with the past 12+ years of my life. It would be wrong to say that during most of that time I didn't show any emotion, but it wouldn't be much of a stretch to say that the emotions I showed were anger, depression, disappointment, and their cousins. The problem isn't that I felt, and still feel, all of these; the problem is that I had everything reversed. The anger, resentment, etcetera are how I feel about myself. I've made choices in my life that have hurt people, severely, and there is no way I can take any of them back. What I feel for those I love is just as extreme, but wasn't showing through the rest. When I'd get home, she'd greet me at the door and see these in my eyes and think it was how I felt about her. I had no clue. How she tolerated it all this time, I also have no clue. All I know is that I'm about as lucky as a person can be to have someone there for me like she is.
We've spent a lot of time talking recently, even one night where we stayed awake and just talked until it was time for me to go to work. Today we've spent almost all our time together which is a first in a few years. Although I know it can't last like this for the simple reason that we have work to go to, sleep to get, and a daughter to take care of, I'm enjoying what I can and fighting myself internally to make sure I don't go back to the way I was. What happened to make me realize all of this, to make me so determined to be better, I'm really not sure. I don't even care what it was. All I know and care about right now is that the past several days have been some of the best that I can remember and I want to keep feeling like this for the rest of my life. I know she's scared that it won't last. I've told her before that I'd work on it, and would for a couple of weeks before reverting back to the asshole I was, but I can't do that anymore. This is my last chance in several ways, though I'm not quite sure how to explain that, I just know it to be one of those ultimate truths that you can't fight.
So, here I am, having one of the best days I can remember, and yet I can feel my mind tearing itself into two. I've felt it before, so often that it's familiar, but this time it's happening differently. Usually it's subtle and comforting, as if it's the dark side of me showing me there is a way to avoid the pain. This time it's not subtle at all, and it's not just happening as usual, it's forced. I don't feel that gentle pull like before because I'm not giving it a chance. I've chosen to take that darker side and beat it into submission in every way possible. Surprisingly the pain it causes is partially physical, which doesn't bother me for two reasons: 1) I'm not a stranger to pain. I've felt it more than I haven't, both physical and emotional. I've learned to not let it bother me when I don't want it to. 2) It's keeping me focused on the fight, and I don't like to lose a fight. I'm going to keep this going as long as it takes, and I'm going to be the best husband and dad that I can be. There is no other option.
I know, I sound like a nutjob, and I am. I know for a fact that I'm crazy in the medical sense. So be it. But for those of you that know me personally, do me a favor would you? The next time you see me, take a close look and tell me if you notice a difference in the me that you've known for years. I'd like to know if there is any part of me slipping back to the past. If there is, I'm going to beat that mother fucker until he pisses blood.